Understanding Our Aging Parents

The New Year always finds me in a time of reminiscing about times gone by. Fond memories of time with family, some still with me and some now gone. I have been blessed to be around a lot of men and women whose parents are getting older. They are at the point in their lives when they are beginning to face health issues and some are getting frail. Some struggle with mental issues to disease. Some are just plain ill or tired of life as it is. The problems are many and the solutions seem out of reach. There is no denying the fact that watching a parent get older and weaker is difficult. No matter what you do you cannot stop a parent from getting old. Nor can you stop the clock on yourself either.

This past summer I watched as my Grandmother became very frail, once a strong independent type really, who ruled the roost. Her passing was difficult and a reminder that we all come to this time in our lives. Even my parents, who I pray are a ways from this time in their lives, are beginning to struggle with different things that are affecting them physically. Fortunately, they are small at this stage, but are still present.

Caring for an aging or ill parent is something none of us expect to do – we associate life with our parents. Especially at this time of year, are memories of Christmas past growing up and being overcome by the magic of the season. But suddenly we are there, taking care of the ones who diapered us and made us feel safe as we headed off to school for the first time; here we are now though coming into that time in our lives, and for some of you that time has already come, when you are transporting them to doctors’ appointments or making arrangements at a facility of some kind. Is doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t seem fair; is seems impossible doesn’t it. Whether we got along or not, the shock of being responsible for the welfare of a parent is unsettling.

The stress of taking care of an aging parent is enormous in terms of emotional and often financial burden. I watched as my Mom went through this over this past summer. Although she put up a strong front for all of us I know that it had a tremendous impact on her. We don’t want to see our parents helpless. When we view them that way we feel helpless too! We have reversed the roles and become the parent to our parent. The biggest hurdle is that we know that the torch is being passed to us and that someday we will be in their place.

Dealing with an aging parent is a rite of passage any way you want to view it and we will all have to deal with it in our own way. It is important to keep the dialogue open between you and your parent in what is going on. Not discussing certain things because you are uncomfortable with it is exactly the reason you need to talk about it. After they are gone, you will play over and over in your head what you should have said when you had the chance to say it.

I believe one way of helping to cope with the realization of age is spiritually. We must come to an understanding about the subject of death and what it is and what it means. I know that God is close and will help us through this tough transition if we just ask for it. We all need guidance and knowledge in how to go forward if we are to come to terms with what we are faced with.

Be there, share a conversation, hold their hand and let them know that you love them no matter what. Put mediation and prayer at the top of your to do list and journaling is a good idea as well. It helps to put it all into perspective.

If you are fortunate to be still sharing time with parents, treasure the moments that you have, look forward to the time together and if they have passed remember the good times. Remember the laughter and wholeness of when your parent was in good spirits and all their positive traits that have helped to make you who you are. I thought of my Grandmother’s love to bake and all the times I would arrive at her home to the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and this will be a fond memory every time I smell that familiar smell. My Mom loves to crochet and make her own creations out of pottery which will always be a fond memory of her. My Dad and his love of cars, and yes we had many growing up, have always inspired me and will continue to be a part of those fond memories I look back on.

Those are the things I think on and smile about. Remembering my years growing up and remembering the time spent together now. This is the time not to forget the loved ones who are still in our lives and need our love and attention. The ordinary things of life such as a phone call, sharing a meal, hugs and reminders that they are loved cannot be forgotten. Let them know you truly appreciate them. Just something to think about.

When God Created Father's

A few days ago I shared a post with you about the impact that Mother's have on our lives and I thought it only fitting that I also include one about Fathers. I am blessed to have both of my parents with me still and treasure all the moments that I have with both of them. 

When God Created Fathers 
by Erma Bombeck

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame.   A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that?  If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?   He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.   And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy.   The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy.   They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats."   And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked.   "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap?   How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?"   And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap.   A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer.   "That's not fair.   Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries?   Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?"   And God smiled and said, "They'll work.   You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears.   Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?"

The angel shutteth up.

A Mother's Way

This is a beautiful story that I came across in a book I have called "More Stories for the Heart." It is actually I story I used at my Grandma's funeral this past summer. It reminded me of all that our mother's do throughout our lives to prepare us for when they are no longer with us. I am fortunate to still have my Mom with me and treasure every moment that we have together. 

A Mother's Wayby Temple Bailey

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.  "Is the way long?"

"Yes," her Guide said, "and the way is hard.  You will be old before you reach the end of it.  But--"  He stopped to smile warmly.  "The end will be better than the beginning."

The young mother was so happy, though, that she could not believe anything could be better than these early years.  She played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed with them in the clear streams.  The sun shone on them and life was good, and the young mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark.  The children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close, covering them with her mantle.  Her children said, "Oh, Mother, we are not afraid when you are near."  The mother said, "This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage."

Then the morning came, and there was a hill ahead.  The children climbed and grew weary.  The mother was weary, too, but she kept encouraging her children, "A little patience and we are there."  So the children continued to climb.  When they reached the top, they said, "We could not have done it without you, Mother."  And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked past the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last.  My children have learned fortitude in the face of difficulty.  Yesterday I taught them courage, today I have taught them strength."

With the next day came strange clouds that darkened the earth--clouds of war and hate and evil.  The children groped and stumbled.  The mother said, "Look up.  Lift your eyes past the blackness to the Light."  The children looked up and saw an Everlasting Glory above the strange clouds.  It guided them and brought them through the darkness and evil.  That night the mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have helped my children learn to see God."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years.  The mother grew old, until she was very little and bent.  But her children were tall and strong, and they walked with courage.  When the way was hard, they helped their mother; when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather.  At last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gate flung wide.

The mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey.  Now I know that the end really is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and they will teach their children after them."

The children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

They stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her.  They said, "We can't see her, but she is with us still.  A mother like ours is more than a memory; she is a living presence."

printed in More Stories for the Heart
compiled by Alice Gray

Questions to Help You Find Meaning and Happiness

At the cusp of a new day, week, month or year, most of us take a little time to reflect on our lives by looking back over the past and ahead into the future.  We ponder the successes, failures and standout events that are slowly scripting our life’s story.  This process of self-reflection helps us maintain a conscious awareness of where we’ve been and where we intend to go.  It is pertinent to the organization and preservation of our long-term goals and happiness.

The questions below will help you with this process.  Because when it comes to finding meaning in life, asking the right questions is the answer.

1. In one sentence, who are you?
2. Why do you matter?
3. What is your life motto?
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants?
5. What is missing in your life?
6. What’s been on your mind most lately?
7. Happiness is a ________?
8. What stands between you and happiness?
9. What do you need most right now?
10. What does the child inside you long for?
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of?
12. What’s been bothering you lately?
13. What are you scared of?
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
15. What will you never give up on?
16. What do you want to remember forever?
17. What makes you feel secure?
18. Which activities make you lose track of time?
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made?
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?
21. What are you most grateful for?
22. What is worth the pain?
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love