Understanding Our Aging Parents

The New Year always finds me in a time of reminiscing about times gone by. Fond memories of time with family, some still with me and some now gone. I have been blessed to be around a lot of men and women whose parents are getting older. They are at the point in their lives when they are beginning to face health issues and some are getting frail. Some struggle with mental issues to disease. Some are just plain ill or tired of life as it is. The problems are many and the solutions seem out of reach. There is no denying the fact that watching a parent get older and weaker is difficult. No matter what you do you cannot stop a parent from getting old. Nor can you stop the clock on yourself either.

This past summer I watched as my Grandmother became very frail, once a strong independent type really, who ruled the roost. Her passing was difficult and a reminder that we all come to this time in our lives. Even my parents, who I pray are a ways from this time in their lives, are beginning to struggle with different things that are affecting them physically. Fortunately, they are small at this stage, but are still present.

Caring for an aging or ill parent is something none of us expect to do – we associate life with our parents. Especially at this time of year, are memories of Christmas past growing up and being overcome by the magic of the season. But suddenly we are there, taking care of the ones who diapered us and made us feel safe as we headed off to school for the first time; here we are now though coming into that time in our lives, and for some of you that time has already come, when you are transporting them to doctors’ appointments or making arrangements at a facility of some kind. Is doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t seem fair; is seems impossible doesn’t it. Whether we got along or not, the shock of being responsible for the welfare of a parent is unsettling.

The stress of taking care of an aging parent is enormous in terms of emotional and often financial burden. I watched as my Mom went through this over this past summer. Although she put up a strong front for all of us I know that it had a tremendous impact on her. We don’t want to see our parents helpless. When we view them that way we feel helpless too! We have reversed the roles and become the parent to our parent. The biggest hurdle is that we know that the torch is being passed to us and that someday we will be in their place.

Dealing with an aging parent is a rite of passage any way you want to view it and we will all have to deal with it in our own way. It is important to keep the dialogue open between you and your parent in what is going on. Not discussing certain things because you are uncomfortable with it is exactly the reason you need to talk about it. After they are gone, you will play over and over in your head what you should have said when you had the chance to say it.

I believe one way of helping to cope with the realization of age is spiritually. We must come to an understanding about the subject of death and what it is and what it means. I know that God is close and will help us through this tough transition if we just ask for it. We all need guidance and knowledge in how to go forward if we are to come to terms with what we are faced with.

Be there, share a conversation, hold their hand and let them know that you love them no matter what. Put mediation and prayer at the top of your to do list and journaling is a good idea as well. It helps to put it all into perspective.

If you are fortunate to be still sharing time with parents, treasure the moments that you have, look forward to the time together and if they have passed remember the good times. Remember the laughter and wholeness of when your parent was in good spirits and all their positive traits that have helped to make you who you are. I thought of my Grandmother’s love to bake and all the times I would arrive at her home to the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and this will be a fond memory every time I smell that familiar smell. My Mom loves to crochet and make her own creations out of pottery which will always be a fond memory of her. My Dad and his love of cars, and yes we had many growing up, have always inspired me and will continue to be a part of those fond memories I look back on.

Those are the things I think on and smile about. Remembering my years growing up and remembering the time spent together now. This is the time not to forget the loved ones who are still in our lives and need our love and attention. The ordinary things of life such as a phone call, sharing a meal, hugs and reminders that they are loved cannot be forgotten. Let them know you truly appreciate them. Just something to think about.